So this blog entry will be a lot heavier than any of my previous ones. A while back, I solicited input on subjects my subscribers might like me to blog about . One repeated suggestion was about motherhood at my age as I am the mom of a toddler as many of my contemporaries have high schoolers, college aged children and grand kids. So I decided to dedicate a few posts to some of my experiences becoming and being a mom.
So anyone who knows me knows I love children and if I can say so myself, they love me, too. At the young and vibrant age of 39, I married my wonderful husband and we started trying for a baby. We have beautiful girls from his previous marriage and I have nieces, grand nieces and even a great grand niece so everyone was holding out for a baby boy.
So I’ve had the same OBGYN since I was 18 and in my younger days, he’d end every appointment with the words ‘stay on your pills’. Then as I got a little older, he’d say stay on your pills unless you want to get pregnant. When I went to see him after getting married, I told him I was off my pills and he simply told me that he didn’t expect any issues but if I wasn’t pregnant in a year, we’d see what other measures we would need to pursue. I was in faith and confident that wouldn’t be necessary.
So I was right. We went about our lives, enjoying each other and doing the things that have been known to get you pregnant. But as the planner that I am, I mixed some extra work with my faith and used an app that helped you track the right times to maximize our chances of conceiving. Y’all… I would take the tests before my missed period. Yes, Team Too Much… I know. I know… Those tests aren’t cheap either!
So in November after a few months of marriage, that positive test finally came. I woke Marcelles up at 5 am to tell him. Excited is not the word to describe us. I had always wanted to be a mother, and God had blessed us. I was over the top ecstatic. I went in for my initial doctor appointment as well as my first check up. We only told close family and some friends. Unfortunately on January 4th of 2015, we were told that we were suffering a miscarriage. Devastated is not a strong enough word to describe the pain. I questioned my role in it, if I did something wrong, was my body defective… I really just wanted to be isolated. I didn’t want to face anyone. I cried and cried and cried some more. I was teaching at the time and this happened the day before we were to return from Christmas break. I sincerely could have never returned…. But I did. I returned to work. I returned to church. I returned to being a wife. I returned to family gatherings but truthfully, it took a long time to return to myself. I may not even be fully back yet. I still cry. Although it is still almost a taboo subject, so many couples (not just women because the fathers lost a child as well) have first hand experience with pregnancy loss, child loss and infertility. Motherhood is a beautiful gift but it’s not always easily achieved by every woman. Some wanted to read about my experiences with motherhood. Our first pregnancy was a painful stop on the road to motherhood….
So you know that’s not how the story ends… Stay tuned for the next motherhood post. Like, share, comment and subscribe!
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I love this story. It’s so intimate and sincere. I think a lot of times others on the outside forget the pain associated with child losses like this … but it is very real and raw pain. I’m so glad that you got to experience motherhood in such a positive aspect as well. It is a special kind of love that can’t be put into words ….
Thank you for sharing. I’ve not had a miscarriage, but a premature birth. I’m 41 and would like to try again so that daughter can grow up with a sibling. This post has encouraged me.
Amazing share. I love that more women are feeling comfortable enough to speak openly about such a painful experience. So glad you were blessed later!
The Road to Motherhood has many sweet and sour parts. I’m always excited to share the journey with other mothers. I was told I couldn’t have children and I had made my piece with it by the time I met my Husband Randy. He already had two sons and was fine with my “infertility”. Truly I believe that it wasn’t till I had learned to love and care for Randy’s boys as my own that the Lord blessed my womb. We added three more natural children to our brood and I would have kept going but my Hubby said no more Lil blessings. We’ve since added another “loved” child to our team. I’ve learned that you never stop mothering and I am just if e with that.
They said no but God and those babies said yes!
Peace not piece 😦 I guess I shouldn’t reply at a stop light….. That toddler!!!!!
I remember how we were there for each other during our time of trying to and being pregnant. I remember how I was so disappointed because I felt in my spirit that I was pregnant. My body felt different but I went to the doctor and the answer was NO. You were there for me when I was down. After being on birth control since the age of 17, I was afraid that chances of conceiving were slim. I thank God that when I turned 34, my doctor urged me to get off of the “shot”. I am glad I did. She said I had been on it too long and it causes osteoporosis. But my body had time to regulate in order to become pregnant years later. Some things we will never understand, but it is always a blessing being able to look back to see how God brings us out of a sad or dead situation. Thanks so much for sharing Co.
Girl… The Pregnancy Pact! 😂😂😂 We have friends in our lives for a reason!
I was in the pill for 15 years prior to marriage and most of the women on my mother’s side of the family had fertility issues so once we did start actively trying to conceive I was concerned. Fortunately that one came easy and I was pregnant for a minute before even realizing it. In fact it took a friend to point out the obvious and encourage me to confirm with a test. My first miscarriage was extra traumatic in that I had an iud when I conceived and it took three trips to either the er it doctor before they realized the excruciating pain I was in was not ovarian cysts rupturing as they had diagnosed but rather an ectopic pregnancy. I was rushed to the hospital but they couldn’t operate immediately and I ended up miscarrying during my overnight stay. My second miscarriage, Feb 12, 2010, I was about 6 weeks pregnant and trying get to Tallahassee to see my great Aunt Jean one last time as she was in hospice and not expected to last another day. I started spotting the minute I picked up the rental car that afternoon and had fully miscarried by midnight. My parents were in Tallahassee already and didn’t even know of the pregnancy, it was supposed to be a surprise. Once they got the call that night about what had happened they were back in Charlotte by morning, however my aunt had transitioned the night before. My cousin doesn’t know it, but she brought me out of a dark place by telling me that Aunt Jean took my baby to heaven. As you know Co, our little bundle of Pedro came a year and a month later, and I couldn’t love my earthly children more, but I do mourn my angel babies too.
I truly understand.
I remember after a few of my friends, you included, had children and I watched you all just falling in love with them. I kept thinking how nice it must be to have one at our age when your life is already in place. I had always wanted another but a divorce pretty much ended that hope. When I met my current husband, we both agreed we didn’t want more. We had 5 between the two of us. So I was on the shot for about a year even though he’s had surgery to prevent it years before we met. I decided to get off the shot because I didn’t like the side effects. He was fine with it. We were safe anyway right? Wrong. Within 6 months I knew something was up. I kept telling myself it was crazy because it wasn’t possible but I stopped one day and got a test just to ease my mind. And what do you know? Positive. We weren’t happy. There may have been a tinge if happy on my part because of my past want. But I didn’t want one now. Not at this age. We liked our lives. We liked having older children. And financially we were strapped. A couple of weeks later, I miscarried. I was relieved. At least I thought I was. But I found my self crying every time I saw a baby on tv. Especially a new one or one being born. I was heartbroken. I was mourning what could have been. But it was for the best right? So we scheduled another surgery. In the meantime, we weren’t as careful as we could have been. I mean what were the chances?? We only had to wait 2 months… so we have the surgery. And, sure enough, doc says the previous surgery was either badly performed or healed itself. And we were already pregnant again and didn’t know it. 1 month later- on the day I wanna supposed to start- I just had a feeling. I stopped on my way to work and bought a test. And I believe you know the ending to that story…
Now we have a curly haired little cutie! Life is amazing. We can do what we want to stop it or start it, but it will make a way!
Yep!
I can only imagine your pain, however I admire your strength and respect your transparency. Motherhood is wonderful and some of us travel difficult roads to get there. My pregnancy was extremely difficult. I came close to loosing NaKayla twice and it was quite traumatizing. That trauma is the reason I never tried again. Enjoy motherhood and all the joys that comes along with it. Thanks again for sharing.
Thanks, girl. I think many face difficulties but keep them under wraps and just deal with it on their own which only makes it harder.
Such a good read with great transparency. Motherhood is really an amazing experience, with a ton of ups and downs, a lot of learning curves and growth, tears and joy. However, you never know how much love you have to share until you welcome a little one into the world. 😊
So true… Thankfully, we have more ups than downs.
Thank you for being SO transparent. My mom experienced 3 miscarriages between my brother and sister. Needless to say, I was truly scared during my pregnancies after seeing how it hit her emotionally. I pray that you and MP continue to enjoy your smallest blessings and serve as a strength for others who experienced a loss. Much love, Sis!
Girl… I’m going to address pregnancy fears in a future blog. I can’t imagine your mom’s pain and yours from having to witness her going through it.